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Title: I Won't Cry for Yesterday
Author: Cicero
Fandom: Due South
Pairing: RayV/Benny
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Diefenbaker thinks about his family, past and present.
Email Address: Cicerothewriter@livejournal.com
Categories: Reflective fic
Feedback notes: Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, even if you just write me a one-line email telling me that you've read the story, and I will be happy.
Warnings: Disturbing imagery (not graphic) and m/m innuendo.
Notes: This story is in response to a Dief challenge on the TwoAxes mailing list that was issued a while back. I think of Dief as an intelligent but bawdy person in wolf clothes. This story was partly inspired by my search for wolf information. There was one picture where a hunter was proudly displaying his collection of wolf skins.
Disclaimer: Ray, Benny, Diefenbaker, Welsh, Huey, Louis, Elaine, and anything else Due South related are owned by Alliance/Atlantis (i.e. not me). "I Won't Cry For Yesterday" is a line coming from "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran.

The dark male and female are talking to each other. I know exactly what to do to get them to share their food. I hang my head down slightly and make my eyes bigger, dilating them slightly. Then as I approach the two, I hesitate, crouching a little bit low so they drop their guard.

The female looks at me, and I can see her eyes melt slightly at my pitiful look. She immediately shares some of her ham sandwich.

The male complies, although I am not sure if he is doing it for me or to impress the female.

I quickly eat the food and hurry away before Red can see my actions and chastise me.

I stop by the food room. It has boxes that many get food from, although Chameleon is constantly spitting out his first bites. It must be some kind of ritual because he does it all the time.

There area huge number of visual representations on the wall, some I recognize but most I don't. One is of the loud redhead. His loss has been dealt with but never accepted. I can sense this amongst everyone here. Passing by the wall of pictures, there is sadness and resentment. Some is directed at Red.

I sit down in front of the wall, gazing at the others who have died in the line of duty. Some of the pictures are in color, while others are in black and white. Some are quite old.

I can remember my pack mates, back on the tundra. Mottle and Claret would play out in the snow constantly, despite the alpha's warnings of the danger. I joined my bothers and sisters often, hunting for food, taking care of the young ones, and feeding the birthing mother.

Their pictures are hung upon a wall in my mind.

I came back with my sisters and brothers to find the alpha female and her cubs in their den, killed by humans. Our funeral was somber, but short. We could hear the trampling of hunters close by. On our escape to a new territory, we passed by many others, unable to be buried by their pack mates.

We separated, had to in order to survive. We found a sympathetic pack after several months of travel. The alpha accepted everyone but me.

I left them to their good fortune, and traveled the tundra by myself. It was only a little while before I saw Red. I was wary of him at first, since his kind had killed so many of my sibling wolves. However, as I studied him, he interacted with the natives of the area, who had always been respectful of the relationship between nature and wolves.

I came to realize that he had the spirit of a wolf, a lone wolf like me. I felt a kinship to him, alone in the wilderness and no food around either.

I was still trying to ascertain whether he would be acceptable to creating a pack, when I realized that he was crossing a snow-covered ice river. I ran towards him but he fell through before I could get there. I jumped in after him, pulling at him, demanding that he get up and out of the water. My ears felt swelled with water, and my body hurt from the quick drop in temperature, nevertheless I pulled him out.

We lay there on the tundra. He spoke to me, but I could not hear him. I was disoriented, so he picked me up, and carried me to the nearest village where we could both be treated.

After that, we stayed together. I learned to lip-read quickly, although in reality, only my right ear is no longer able to hear.

I passed by the wall, taking on last look at it before trotting into the older wolf, sitting alone in his domain. He is busy on the phone, though he does not seem to be enjoying his conversation.

I sniff.

Yes, he has a nice meatball sandwich, not as good as Chameleon's mother's meatballs, but still filling.

I sit next to him, waiting patiently for his attention. He slams down the phone, and hangs his head in his hands. I whine slightly, wondering if he is all right.

He looks down at me. His expression is normal but his eyes burn with injury. "You want this?" he asks, pointing to the meatballs. He sets half down on the floor in front of me. I still look up at him, hoping he'll say what is hurting him so.

He sighs and looks about to say something, but the dark male comes in, ruining the moment. I hurry and eat, before Red can interrupt me.

I go back to Chameleon's space. He and Red are still arguing by the file cabinet. Chameleon pulls out a file and papers drop to the floor. Red, neat like always, bends down to pick them up. I watch Chameleon's eyes go soft, but he replaces his tough deportment before Red can tell the difference.

I huff. They still haven't mated yet, and I am about to do something drastic. Red's wasting good energy in the shower, and I can only imagine how Chameleon deals with these feelings. I don't blame Chameleon for being cautious. Red does have a tendency to hide anything he's feeling, which is why it took me so long to figure out that because he nags me about the little things, he is concerned for me, and he loves me. He'll never say it outright. I think he believes (and rightly so) that saying you love someone and actually loving them can be two different things. He found out the hard way, and I still have the bullet-path pains to prove it.

If only I could convince Red to take the chance, but he never listens to me about these matters. Chameleon only understands me when I want one of his yummy tidbits (not that I'm complaining).

Red interrupts my ruminating. "I see you've made your rounds already, Diefenbaker."

Chameleon looks over at me, mouths 'doughnut', and winks.

I huff at Red. "They don't mind."

"Well, I do. You're going to have to do some extra running this weekend."

I look over to where Chameleon is bent over the desk reaching for a pen. Red follows my line of sight, and flushes. Something impish in me calls to the opportunity.

"Are you tall enough to ride the Ray, Red?"

"Diefenbaker!" he shouts loudly.

Everyone looks over at him, including Chameleon and the older wolf, who has finally come out of his domain.

Red blushes so prettily.

Heh. I'm glad Chameleon took us to that amusement park.



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