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Title: Little Red Riding Mountie: A Radio Play in One or Two Acts
Author: Cicero
Fandom: Due South
Pairing: RayV/Benny
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Benny is going to visit Ray, but meets a shady character on the way.
Email Address: Cicerothewriter@livejournal.com
Categories: Parody, first time
Feedback notes: Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, even if you just write me a one-line email telling me that you've read the story, and I will be happy.
Warnings: A derrogatory remark about Season 3, and some bad language.
Notes: None
Disclaimer: This is a parody of "Little Red Riding Hood." This is set in a script format, which I have never done before now. The commercials are stolen from "The New Red Green Show". Snidely Whiplash and Dudley Do-Right are owned by Buena Vista. Studly Do-Right and the Italian Stallion are owned by Alliance. I am not making any money off of this. I'm just doing it to amuse myself and hopefully others as well.
Fraser: He's half-wolf, actually...
Narrator: Oh, sorry. Fraser's faithful wolf, Diefenbaker, suggested that it might be a good idea to take Ray some treats and medicine to make him feel better. Dief knew the value of kissing up to the man with the doughnuts.
Fraser: What an excellent idea, Diefenbaker. Shall we take the money out of your account or mine?
Dief: Aaauuurr! Woof! What kind of question is that?
Fraser: It is a perfectly reasonable and logical question, Diefenbaker. I fail to see why you should get so warm over such a trifle.
Dief: Grmm! Woof! He's your mate, not mine.
Narrator: Excuse me? I think that we should get back to setting up the plot going before everyone falls asleep.
Dief: Woof! Plot?
Narrator: After packing a basket with pemmican, bottled water, two packs of chocolate doughnuts, a bag of industrial strength coffee, and Nyquil with Sudafed gel capsules, our intrepid heroes set out, braving the wilds of Chicago, to visit their sick friend. Fraser was skipping...
Fraser: Skipping, that's not very manly..
Narrator: Prancing?
Fraser: Oh dear..
Narrator: Well, merrily walking, then.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Narrator: Fraser was merrily walking, in a very cute but manly way, down the sidewalk when he was approached by a tall man in a top hat and opera cape.
Fraser: Is this going to be another Dudley Do-Right reference?
Narrator: Snidely Whiplash cackled.
Whiplash: Cackle.
Narrator: I'm never going to live this one down, am I?
Whiplash: Well, well, what do we have hear? A scrumpdilliumpious, red-iced doughnut?
Dief: Woof? Doughnut?
Fraser: No, sir. I am Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father..
Whiplash: Oh, not this story again...
Narrator: Fraser turned slightly red from embarrassment.
Fraser: Terribly sorry about that.
Whiplash: Well, where are you off to?
Fraser: I am going to visit my friend, Ray. He isn't feeling well and so I thought that I might bring him some goodies to make him feel better.
Whiplash: Ah yes, and where does your friend happen to live? Just so I know if I ever need his assistance I'll know.
Narrator: Fraser, like the good little idiaaa-, I meant the good little boy scout that he is, gave very clear and concise directions so that Whiplash could find his way to Ray's house.
Whiplash: Thank you, my dear fellow. Oh, look! There's a helpless old lady having her purse snatched by a young boy in a moose hat.
Fraser: Oh dear!
Narrator: Fraser turned around to see that a helpless old lady was having her purse snatched by a young boy in a moose hat. He called to Diefenbaker, and they ran to apprehend the absconding perpetrator.
Whiplash: Now, off to Ray's house.
Narrator: He laughed evilly as he ran down the street.
*Doodley doodley music is heard. *
Narrator: Whiplash arrived at Ray's house, having taken a short cut through the park.
Whiplash: Well, I have arrived at Ray's house.
Narrator: Thanks for the head's up.
Narrator (con't): Meanwhile, in his house on the other side of Chicago, Ray was sitting in his silk pajamas in his silk-sheeted bed, watching the television.
Vecchio: The Cubs are losing!
Narrator: He was wondering whether his friend would visit him today or not.
Vecchio: He outta. I think I dropped enough hints.
Narrator: Ray was so bored with the football game...
Vecchio: The Cubs play baseball. Get it right!
Narrator: If you talk back to me again, I'll make sure that you don't get any sex for the next three stories.
*There is silence. *
Narrator: Ray was bored with the baseball game so instead he turned his thoughts to a certain red-clad stud. Dreaming of sweating and heaving...
Vecchio: Don't forget the whip cream.
Narrator: He did not hear the ominous music that cued when Snidely Whiplash entered his house.
*The Jaws music can be hear in the background. *
Vecchio: I got it all planned too, the wine, the dinner, the desert.
*Ray sneezes. *
Vecchio (con't): Wasn't planning on the cold though.
Narrator: Suddenly, Whiplash burst into the bedroom, pouncing upon Ray.
Vecchio: Who the hell are you?
Whiplash: I am Snidely Whiplash.
Vecchio: Oh please. This is so stupid. You get the hell outta my house before I...
Narrator: Whiplash grabbed the furious Italian by his silk pajamas.
Vecchio: Ouch! What the hell you do think you're doing. You're wrinkling my shirt! Damn it, stop!
Narrator: Whiplash calmly drug Ray out into the hallway, and threw him into a closet.
Vecchio (muffled): Hey, let me out! This isn't funny! There are dust bunnies and moths in here!
Whiplash: You should've done a proper spring-cleaning then. Now, for my quarry, the luscious Fraser.
Vecchio (muffled): You leave Benny alone! Hey, you listening to me?
Narrator: Whiplash went back into the bedroom, pulled out the pajamas, and we doodley doodley out of there before Whiplash can take off his clothes in order to meet the PG-13 rating that the authoress wants for this story.
*Doodley doodley music is heard. *
Narrator: Outside, Benny and Diefenbaker stepped off of the bus, and walked to Ray's house.
Fraser: You should have told me that you knew the bus routes.
Dief: Woof! I have my talents.
Narrator: They entered the house and climbed the stairs. Fraser knocked, only entering when he heard Ray's voice. He found Snidely Whiplash wrapped in blankets, trying to cover himself as much as possible.
Fraser: Hello Ray.
Dief: Woof! Hello Ray.
Fraser: I've brought you some treats and medicine to make you feel better.
Dief: Woof woof. And you'd better share with me too.
Whiplash (in his English accent): Why thank you, my dear fellow.
Fraser: Ray, are you feeling okay?
Narrator: Whiplash realized that, being a Chicagoan, Ray would have terrible grammar and the corresponding accent...
Vecchio (muffled): Hey!
Narrator: So he quickly effected the proper accent.
Vecchio (muffled): Now who has the bad grammar?
Narrator: Affected! Damn it, I can never keep those two words straight.
Whiplash: I mean 'Thanks, Benny!'
Dief: Woof! Something's not right here.
Narrator: Diefenbaker sniffed a Ray-scented trail from the bedroom into the hallway, towards the closet. Fraser was left in the bedroom with the disguised Whiplash. He deposited the basket on the nightstand and turned to take a good look at Ray.
Fraser (to himself): Something is not quite right here.
Vecchio (muffled): You can say that again.
Fraser (to Whiplash): My goodness, Ray. What big eyes you have? And they're the wrong color!
Whiplash: The better to see you with, Benny. And this room, it's so dark. You can't really see my eyes.
Fraser (grudgingly): True, true.
Narrator: Fraser inched closer, and squinted at Whiplash.
Fraser: My Ray, what a big... Ray, did you get your nose fixed?
Whiplash: Uhhh... No, it must be the light.
Narrator: Whiplash licked his lips greedily. One more stupid question, and he could pounce.
Fraser: Oh good. I like your nose, Ray. It reminds me of your other olive-colored appendages that are big.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Diefenbaker had sniffed the trail to the confined and cursing Italian.
Vecchio (muffled): Get me outta here!
Dief: Woof! You're on your own there.
Vecchio (muffled): I suppose I'll have to use my shoulder.
Narrator: Ray started to ram his shoulder into the door as we pause for a commercial break.
Commercial Narrator: "Little Red Riding Mountie" is brought to you in part by the following....
A gray-haired, elderly man wearing a checkered shirt, and red and green suspenders: Are you tired of the big city life in Toronto? Well, have we got a deal here for you! We have a lovely plot of land called Bloodddddaaa- I meant Bluffpoint for anyone who wants their own modest 4,000 sq ft cottage. This land is situated within striking distance of Possum Lodge, and is surrounded by plenty of friendly neighbors. Perfect for the D-I-Y couple or anyone interested in breeding mosquitoes.
Commercial Narrator: And by Longshot Family Restaurant. A vegetable, a baked potato, and a leg of fish. Remember, if it's a good meal, it's a Longshot.
Narrator: We now return to our program, "Little Red Riding Mountie". We left Whiplash waiting to pounce upon Fraser who had just finished his second stupid question, Dief had just found Ray in the closet, and Ray was ramming his broad, handsome shoulder into the door in an effort to save his innocent, gorgeous Benny from the clutches of the lecherous Whiplash.
Vecchio (muffled): D'you think there are enough adjectives in that last run-on sentence?
Narrator: Just for that, I'm going to let you stew while we check on Fraser and Whiplash.
Vecchio (muffled): Damn it!
Narrator: Whiplash is licking his thin lips as Fraser stands next to the bed, an elegant frown marring his angelic face.
Fraser: Ray, what thin lips you have.
Whiplash: All the better to eat you with, my dear!
Narrator: Before Fraser could question how one eats with his lips, Whiplash flung off the blankets and jumped out of the bed. He grabbed for Fraser, who started to run around the room, evading Whiplash's capture.
Fraser: Ray! Help me!
Whiplash: He can't help you!
Fraser: Why? What have you done with Ray?
Narrator: Whiplash knew that he had to stall for time and to distract Fraser long enough to grab him.
Whiplash: Which Ray?
Fraser: What do you mean 'which Ray'?
Whiplash (bemused): You know... There are two Rays.
Fraser: What are you talking about?
Whiplash (speaking as though to a confused child): Vecchio went undercover with the mafia. He left without telling you, and his replacement was a blond-guy named Ray.
Narrator: Now, pay attention everyone! We are about to see our normally pleasant Mountie get seriously enraged.
Fraser (extremely pissed): I think that you are mistaken! Ray would never leave without telling me.
Vecchio (muffled): You tell him, Benny!
Narrator: Ray heard the shouts of his endangered love. Ray's Italian temper flared, and with one well placed kick, he burst through the door.
Vecchio: I'm coming, Benny!
Narrator: Ray ran down the hall and into the bedroom in time to see Whiplash pinning Fraser to the bed.
Whiplash: I have you now!
Vecchio: The hell you do!
Narrator: Ray pulled out a gun and pointed it at Whiplash.
Vecchio (seriously pissed): Let him go now!
Narrator: Whiplash let Fraser go, and slowly backed towards the bedroom window.
Whiplash: Where did you get the gun?
Vecchio: It just happened to be in the closet that you locked me in.
Audience: Oh great! Plot convenience playhouse presents...
Dief: Woof? What plot?
Vecchio (to Dief): You gotta problem with something?
Dief: Woof! I'm hungry.
Narrator: Whiplash used that distraction to quickly jump out of the window.
*A loud crash is heard. *
Fraser: Pardon me, sir, but you forgot to open the window before you jumped out of it.
Vecchio: You'd know about jumping out of windows, wouldn't you, Benny?
Narrator: Fraser and Ray ran to the hole in the wall where the window used to be in time to see Whiplash land on the Riv.
Vecchio: Oh no, not my car!
Narrator: Whiplash limped away in a hurry, but turned long enough to shout back.
Whiplash: I'll be back, just as soon as I find another story to parody.
Narrator: And now the payoff!
Fraser: Oh, Ray. You are my hero. Come here, love.
Vecchio: Why?
Fraser: Because I want to know if that thing they say about Italian men is true.
*We here the muffled sounds of clothing being unzipped, unbuckled, and thrown to the floor, then the sounds of hard breathing and slick skin rubbing against each other. *
Fraser (sounding lustful and happy): Oh, it's true, Ray. It's true!
Vecchio: Oh Benny, Benny!
Narrator: And as we end this story, we see our heroes riding into the sunset...
Audience: Snicker
Narrator: Be sure to tune in next time when the story will be "Benny White and the Seven Kowalskis".
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